I’ve been M.I.A. for a bit and I was working on a different post, but honestly this last week has been tough.
I’m rejecting Mezevant.
I’ve been fighting head aches on and off since I started, but headaches aren’t unusual for me. My redflags were more that I felt like I was getting worse not better.
I have been going more frequently to the washroom, am starting to have more blood, and the pain is insane. Have you ever cried because your shit hurt so much? Well I have not, so this was an experience. Seems like everything lately is an “experience”. Plus it’s so much harder to hold it! I had an almost incident at the Dollarama where I was casually browsing around and all of a sudden I just broke out into a hot flash and started seriously sweating. At that exact moment my stomach just started revolting and immediately I was washed over with this urgent need to go. So my reaction was to drop down and pretend I’m looking at the array on sunscreen selection (it’s the middle of winter and -10 outside, I’m sure I was getting bizarre looks for this), when really I’m just trying to clench my ass tight enough and settle my stomach to have enough time to book it across the mall for a washroom.
You know life is shitty when your victory of the day is that you did make it to the washroom. I have now reconsidered what to pack in my purse and opted to bring an extra pair on underwear because that was too close of a call. If I ever get robbed I think I’ll throw my hot pink undies at them first. It’s a great distraction for at least 5 seconds, right? Trying to find a bright side here, people.
Aside from my bowels feeling worse I also developed eczema on my left toes. Now I have eczema, so this itself wasn’t alarming. What was alarming was that I’ve never had it anywhere except for on my face so when I did first break out I didn’t actually know what it was. I kind of just assumed it was dry feet since it is winter. But they are so itchy. The urge to scratch them is so unbelievable and you start coming up with creative ways to scratch. I have mastered a technique that allows me to use my own sock to scratch it. Don’t judge- I know I’m not supposed to do this. I do apply my cream on there and that’s been helping.
My mouth has become a new one I have seen in the last week as well. I have developed this weird sore feeling on my lower gums. I looked around and made my boyfriend look and I physically don’t see any sores, but that’s what it feels like I have. This has helped kill my appetite even more because it’s making chewing such a chore. On top of this I have developed this perma cotton mouth feeling too, and it doesn’t go away no matter how much water I drink. Even my throat feels dry and sore.
The weirdest has been memory loss. Has anyone else experienced this? It’s the little things that I forget. I have to write everything down! Like last week I had purposely kept Wednesday free and when Wednesday rolled around I was like “sweet a day to myself for self care” No, it was actually because that’s when my volunteer meeting was and I didn’t realize this of course until the next day. Or sometimes I’ll get home from work and remember nothing about the drive. Like I was on autopilot mode. Which completely freaked me out, so now I’ve been blasting cold air or rolling my windows down to force myself to stay alert.
But I called my doctors receptionist Monday, explained my symptoms, was promptly told to stop my medication because I’m rejecting it and tomorrow I will be seeing him to discuss further what my next steps are.
So that’s where we are now. All caught up!
I just want to fast forward. I just want to get to the part where I find the right medication, I’m starting to feel better, and can live a somewhat normal life again. I don’t want to fear that if there’s not a washroom nearby I can’t do it. I don’t want to feel like I’m getting worse. I don’t want to feel this tired and restless. And I don’t want to lose anymore weight. I have lost 10 freaking pounds. 10! Before all this I was 95 pounds, so an itty bitty person. But I was healthy and I loved food. Food was my passion and I was always snacking and eating. Now I can barely handle liquids, never mind food. My body physically rejects it. It does this weird thing where when I put food in my mouth I actually start to over salivate and I just keep chewing because my throat feels tight and closed, and when I try to swallow I almost gag.
Couldn’t you let me have just one thing body? Couldn’t you just let me still enjoy food and instead feel somewhat tortured because I couldn’t enjoy all of my favourite foods right now? Like when you get your wisdom teeth removed and can’t have solids for a couple days. Nope, we had to squash that happiness too Brittany. Had to make this a challenge.
I think my strength in the beginning came from some naive optimism. I heard “mild to moderate” and thought, sweet at least it’s not the worst. I can fight this. It can’t get worse. It’s only up from here.
Well folks, it’s not. And this optimism and strength is dwindling down day by day as I feel my body struggle to keep at a normal functioning level. I stare at myself in absolute disgust. I am starting to hate the person I see on the other side of the mirror and this really breaks my heart, because like my last post said, self-love has been so hard for me this far and I felt like I was getting somewhere. Now it just seems like I’m taking a million steps back. I’ve become this weird scrawny creature that just sleeps and cries.
It’s my birthday on Saturday and I’m not even excited. And I love birthdays! Third favourite “holiday” aside from Christmas and Halloween. And yes I said holiday, because that’s how much I love birthdays. Not just mine, but anyone’s. I’m that annoying person who convinces people they need to do something to celebrate their date of existence and this year I kinda just want to skip it. I don’t feel excited as I enter 23 years old struggling with myself. And I can’t imagine what people think as they look at me. I have been too scared to go on the scale until now, because I knew I lost weight, but I wanted to live in this other reality where it wasn’t that much. But because I’m seeing the doctor tomorrow I figured it would be a good idea. I just bawled. Reality sucks. So I think part of the reason that I don’t want to do my birthday is because I did make it public that I’m sick to encourage other people to speak up about their health, but now I’m starting to look physically sick and I don’t really want people to look at me with pity. I don’t think right now I could handle that. I think this part of me inside that’s shrivelling would just shrivel more.
I really need to work on my mental health and self image. If I’m going to get through this, I need a stronger mind. I have the greatest support system. Just absolutely God sent. But at the end of the day this is my battle and I have to be willing to push myself through this, and I know this. I preach it to all my clients at work everyday! It’s just so much harder when it feels like life isn’t giving you a break. To anyone else going through this, I’m sorry. It sucks. But you are strong for also getting this far despite whatever shit life throws at you (again literally and figuratively) and I am here for you as well. We can get through this, okay? I am spiritually hugging all the people going through whatever battle you are going through, and are at this point where you just feel lost. We don’t have much of a choice other than to keep trying moving forward, because life doesn’t stop and it’s a lot easier to try and keep up with life than get dragged by it. With this I will leave you with a quote that’s really been helping me.
P.S. I found this awesome thing I thought I would share with people!
Yes you are seeing this correctly, it is a medical alert to use bathroom facilities! Now you never have to worry about not being able to find a public washroom or having to buy something before using the washroom because it’s an actual medical alert and they must allow you to use their washroom. You can see what the full card looks like and buy it here: http://colitisninja.com/restroom-access/ and it’s actually beyond affordable. $3.50 USD so for my Canadians I think I paid just about $7 CAD. It’s worth it and is easy to carry in your purse. I find a lot of people take you more seriously and you don’t need to sit there arguing why colitis or crohnies can’t just “hold it”. The medical alert symbol is so widely recognized, which is a plus.
But I’m off to attempt to get some sleep. Goodnight world. I’ll update you about my doctor’s visit!