This mostly is going to be more mushy and feely because this time I want to focus on mentally what I’m going through.
People keep saying “you’re so strong and so positive. Keep it up.” and I always kind of stare in bewilderment. Me? Strong? Maybe positive, but I don’t know about strong. I cry in my shower and become this snotty, hiccupy mess. That doesn’t sound strong.
I have always struggled with my self image. If you’ve read my other blog, I’ve really tried hard to figure out this whole self love concept and I still haven’t figured it out completely. But I’m getting better. From as young as I can remember, I didn’t like who I was. In elementary I was the girl with a lisp, who had to do speech therapy, and wore this hideous giant metal bone anchor just to help me hear. It was a sight to see. I hated that I would have to leave class for my therapy sessions, or that my class got an intercom system to help me, or that I had this baby voice (still do) with a terrible lisp. As I got older, instead of just accepting it, I added on to my list. I hated that I wasn’t like my friends and had boobs or hips, and instead am forever trapped in a 12 year old body, or that my face looks so young (even now) and I would always be talked down to like a little girl while everyone else kind of got treated older.
High school was the worst. I had a solid group of friends and looking back now I was well liked and actually knew a lot of people. But in high school you get so wrapped up in things that everything seems like the biggest deal, even if it’s the most irrelevant thing you will ever experience in your natural born life. But I was a mousy kid, really shy, and very uncertain about myself. I didn’t really like the same things other girls like me did, I was kind of weird and awkward especially talking to the opposite sex, and I just didn’t have a “grown ups” body. I was a bean pole and forever was going to be a part of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. More than that, I really beat myself up and I think that reflected a lot in how I carried myself. I was never that outgoing and had very little faith in my capabilities so I never fully applied myself to things. I questioned my worthiness of friendships, my worthiness of who I was in this world, and when it came to intimacy I shut down because I didn’t think I could keep a guy around long enough. I probably purposefully threw myself in the friend zone just to avoid disappointment.
By University I started to get my feet on the ground. I started to have an idea of who I wanted to become and where I wanted to be in life and this was a great start. With that, I think I started just accepting slowly certain things about myself. I started forgetting that people say its unlady like to be sassy or have a crude sense of humour, I was vocal that yes I love anything related to true crime and horror films. If it was scary I was about that life. If it was fucked up, I was interested. And I’m a nerd. I like comic books, books in general, writing, reading, drawing, or attending comic con events. And yes when I do get really excited I do little dances or make weird noises. I always make weird faces at sometimes the most inappropriate times. I snort when I laugh and yes I do carry an inhaler with me. I still have a little bit of a lisp, still part of the IBTC, and still have a bean pole body.
But it’s me and I either learn to love it, or spend all of my energy picking myself apart. And let me tell you it takes a toll on you. You physically start to become ill, because sometimes your mind really is the most powerful part of you.
I mean really, I just started to love myself and my boyfriend can voucher that I still struggle with it. I still struggle sometimes seeing the beauty other people see in me, or I will talk myself out of doing something because I don’t think I’m good enough for it. But it’s getting better a little bit each time, and to me that is enough.
But now I’m at this crossroad. I’ve just started grasping the concept of loving my “outer self” we will call it. Who I am as a person in society. And that’s great! Yay, victory dance, pat on the back, yatta yatta. But as I venture into this new chapter of my life, I’m quickly learning that I am struggling to love the “inner self”. Mutant guts, wheezy lungs, bionic hearing- just basically not the best body that makes me, me.
I get so mad and frustrated at my body and punish myself for it. I tell myself that it’s probably better not to go out because who wants to deal with me always running to the bathroom in a public setting? Or that I can’t do certain activities because of how tired I get. I struggle with my motivation to do things or start on things because of how tired I am. And I’m so mad that instead of getting better, my body challenges me and gives me more things to work on and look out for. Like when I went to see my doctor about my lab results, it wasn’t my blood work that came back with a warning, it was my pap test. They detected mild abnormal cell growth, and now we need to keep an eye on it to ensure it’s not cancerous. Like really body? Is there not one day I can just be told “You’re all good today.” Nope, we have to add something else to that growing list of ours.
So I’m reaching this brink. I’m reaching it because I feel so out of control of myself. I physically can’t see what’s wrong with me so how do I know when I’m okay and when I’m not? And what even is okay or normal anymore? I felt sick for what seems like so long that I freaked out saying I had to stop my medication because it was making me constipated. I was only going 3-4 times a day and it was only until someone reminded me that that’s usually how many times people normally go or less, and that’s when I realized my normal isn’t normal anymore. I no longer have a concept of it.
That’s why I hate the question “How are you?” I don’t know? I guess I didn’t puke today. And only one poop attack really hurt and made me cry. Maybe that day I’m not feeling body sore, so thats a bonus. Or maybe I had just enough energy to actually do one thing after work that day. So I just say okay, because what else is there to say? It changes from day to day, or even hour to hour. I never know what I’m going to wake up feeling like. I never know how I’ll feel after I eat something or drink something. Could be nothing like when I ate a cajun chicken sandwich, or it could rip me a new one like when I ate 6 spoonfuls of ice cream to treat myself. So much for that treat.
And I cry a lot. I just slide down the bathroom wall, cover my face, and cry. I hate feeling out of control. I hate that I’m literally fighting against my own body, the one that everyone reminds you that you only have one so treat it like a temple. Well what if it’s not treating you right, you don’t want to treat it like a temple! You want to hit it, you want to physically get rid of it, you want to just sleep- because sleep is the only time you actually get away from yourself.
It’s harder knowing that months ago it wasn’t like this. This wasn’t something that slowly consumed my body and slowly made me wither. This came fast and progressed fast. And it’s lifetime! The one lifetime commitment I could do without.
So I cried today. Then I got up, got ready for work, played with my little kidlets at our program, and cried again because my body destroyed me after as punishment for having black tea. And as I cried I thought, now what?
One battle at a time. Figuring out my trigger foods will be a long process and honestly the whole bullshit of certain food triggering you is not always true. Somedays I push it and eat what I probably shouldn’t and feel fine. Other days I eat lighter suggested meals for flare ups and my body still punishes me. Food is a battle that is not for today. So I chose weight. I’m losing weight and I was 95 pounds before this. An itty bitty person. I think in the last week and a half my weight has fluctuated between 92-90 pounds and on me that looks like a lot. I hate it. I look sickly now.
So I decided to take control of this. I don’t have much of an appetite but even on bad days I always have a shake because I may not be able to stomach solids, but liquids usually go down okay. My thought process was then protein powder! This is when I decided to venture of the the nearest GNC, which was overwhelming. I had no idea what to look for or what I can and can’t take with my condition, but god bless the little lady working there today because she knew everything. It’s amazing how many professionals know about colitis. She knew exactly what I could and couldn’t eat or put into my shakes, picked a low fibre one for me, and recommended vitamin powder to also put in my shakes because she didn’t think I wanted to have to remember to take another pill. And she was correct. So that’s my start and I’m really hoping it helps.
In addition to this, while I wait to find out what my next treatment option is I’m going be taking probiotics to help my guts out. All natural and double checked about Mezavant and probiotic reactions (luckily there haven’t been reported cases yet- knock on wood though because my body is known to challenge the system) and I will also report back to you guys about how that is. I mentioned it on my other blog but they’re from HUM Nutrition. I really like the brand and how everything is there for you to see. And it’s pretty cute, so added bonus. Also, for probiotics it’s really affordable.
It is a subscription, but you can opt to not be committed and try it once and cancel or maybe you’ll be away or just haven’t gone through the whole package, then you can change when your delivery will be or change what you want. For instance since all of this happened I hadn’t really even started them and my next delivery was supposed to be Jan 28, so I just pushed it to be delivered Feb 28th instead! And then for Big Chill I don’t use all the time so I removed that one from my next delivery.
But these are my starts and it feels good. It feels like a step, and I like that.
However, I’m super ready for my vacation to Disney World at the end of February.
But that’s my rant. I’m sorry if this was super mushy and feely but I really needed to vent that out. I feel a lot better saying it out loud (well typing it I guess).