This will be an update post on my progress so far. It’s officially been a week since my loading dose of Humira and we are now officially down to 20 mg of Prednisone (I’m halfway there).
I start going down 0.5 mg each week for Prednisone and then this coming Saturday I take 80 mg of Humira, so two needles.
So how has it been going?
Well the beginning of the week was tough. I was so exhausted. I definitely got my ass whopped by fatigue, but tried to push myself through my regular work week. I also had a really bad jaw pain come back midweek that I may talk to my doctors about it just to get some input. It’s really tender and feels so raw. I could barely chew a couple days ago! Which when you are starving all the time, doesn’t really work.
We have reached a new milestone though! I am officially over the 100 pound mark! This was beyond exciting for myself and my parents. I think my dad almost shed a tear or two.
I don’t know. I’ve just been so off this week. I feel so tired, so sad, and just not happy with myself. I find more and more I just stare at myself with sadness. Who am I anymore? All I feel like I do is eat, run to the washroom, work, and sleep. I’m 23! I should be doing things and going out! I should be on adventures and staying up late. Instead my Friday nights are me in bed watching Netflix till 10:30pm and sipping on tea. And I know it’s so vain to be unhappy with the moonface but I am! I watched my body physically change in a month and I’ve been trying to gain weight for years. It happened so suddenly. It all happens so suddenly with this disease, doesn’t it? I wonder how drastically my insides have changed since all of this?
But the sadness! It just consumes you. I get so in my own head and feel so sad for no reason really. I feel so restless in my own skin. I feel unhappy with who I am. I’ve really been struggling with that this week. Just remember how to love myself again and love who I’m becoming. I have always kind of struggled with my self image a little bit, and this just kind of took another blow at that. Rediscovering how to love yourself again is hard. Where do you begin?
I practice my self care. I’m surrounded by such wonderful and supportive people. But its’ one of those things that no matter what people tell you, unless you see it or believe in yourself- it won’t make the biggest difference.
So that’s my big battle this week, along with my ear infection I got. Yay for suppressed immune systems! Apparently this was different than my usual infection and concerned my ENT quite a bit so he took a swab to test what kind of bacteria it is. So in two weeks I have to go back and follow up about treatment options for that because I’m immune to most antibiotics.
But now the upside!
I GOT ACCEPTANCE INTO MY MASTERS PROGRAM FOR COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY. Your girl did it and will be starting in fall 2017!
I cried. I think after the week I had and just feeling so down, it was the perfect pick me up. It definitely made me appreciate the moment more that’s for sure! Hopefully things start turning around as I start focusing on my self image again. I need to put in work!
So here is to continuing to fight my hardest battle, myself.