Where to go next

Hello lovely readers,

It has been a while now hasn’t it? How is everyone hanging on?

For a long time I was trying to figure out what direction to take this blog. I was finally feeling better and thought “well now what do people want to read?”. BUT I’m realizing that while yes, I love that my writing has helped a lot of other people, it wasn’t entirely the reason I started the blog. I also started this blog as a way to cope with my own journey as I navigated the highs and lows. I got so focused on writing content for views, that I forgot to just write for myself as well.

We here we are.

The last time I was on here, things were on the up and up, minus COVID. I mean COVID has thrown us ALL off now hasn’t it? I found the beginning of COVID filled with a lot of unknowns, which really spiked up my anxiety. Now, as things feel like they are slowly getting worse in terms of numbers, I am still feeling this niggling sensation of anxiety rear it’s head up every once and a while. I have not stepped foot in a mall, I have not attended any Halloween or fall festivities that were not outdoor, I have barely been in physical shops unless its for an errand. I have been to restaurants, but I think only 4 times since this all started and it’s a hard thing to process. It weirds me out a little that people have to serve me in a mask. I feel like this is just a sign that it’s not quite safe enough yet.

And I get it, people want life to go back to normal. People want to move forward and are feeling frustrated as things continue to change. It’s a super frustrating time and it’s something that has impacted people’s lives far more than just physically. But as someone who is chronically ill, I’m just going to keep staying in my lane and do the best that I can to protect myself and those around me who are also high risk.

But up until two weeks ago, things were going so well. I am in my last semester of my masters program (with little to no motivation to actually finish this class), I started a new job, things have been taking off with YEG Wellness Collective, and I was feeling fiiiiiine. And then the Thanksgiving long weekend came and I saw blood.

Now I don’t know about anyone else, but after not having blood for so long, the sight of it made my heart drop. And instead of being critical and thinking “hmm this isn’t a good sign” my brain thought “noooo this is just something you ate. Give it a day or two”- as if we haven’t already been down this rabbit hole. But I did it anyways and after two days it was getting worse. I was doing that thing where I ran to the washroom because it felt like I needed to go, even though I didn’t. I was getting that panicky feeling again anytime I was outside of a 20 meter radius of a washroom. I was getting some intense pains that were becoming more and more difficult to ignore. I was slowly going from 2 times a day to 5 times a day. And still I had hope that this was a fluke. BUT I did see my doctor.

Sure enough, I have proctitis. Basically inflammation in the last part of your colon, otherwise known as your rectum. This part has ALWAYS been the most difficult part for me to heal and was part of the reason I did not get full endoscopic remission during my last colonoscopy.

So I am now back on prednisone and sitting here wondering, why? What did I do wrong? And honestly? I can’t pin it to one thing. This itself is super frustrating, but I’m also coming to accept that maybe it’s just a combination of things. Lots of recent changes, some new stress, some new experimentation with food. Who knows. But I was getting myself into that bad cycle of stressing because I was unsure of why I was flaring up, which then triggers my disease more, and then makes me stress more that I’m feeling worse, which then triggers it more and well- you get the point. I had to stop. Literally just stop. Breathe. In and out.

I stopped and thought “what can I do to help myself?”. For one, take my steroids, which although are the devils tic tac, serve an important purpose for me and have made me feel a bit better. Two, choose lighter foods for the next bit and avoid trigger foods/new foods. Three, vitamins because cold and flu season is upon us and my immunesystem will be lowered. Four, book a therapy session.

This illness has seriously rocked my anxiety levels. I mean, I don’t think prior to this that I was someone who experienced dysfunctional stress. I mean I definitely have always experienced stressed, but it was to a functional level and often motivated me. Now, I feel it is always hindering me and literally affecting my body. Plus with winer coming, I can notice my anxiety peak a little more now because I was involved in two different car accidents in the winter time (one was not my fault and the other was going into a ditch after hitting black ice). So I thought now is better than never to practice what I preach. I think anyone can benefit from therapy, including a therapist! So I have my first appointment booked and we will see how it goes!

But for now, this is all I have. I am just a bundle of frustration and pain until things start to turn around physically. My life is basically work, school, sleep, and eat. Occasionally I see family and friends in a safe manner. It is a weird world out there and an even weirder world to navigate now as someone experiencing a chronic illness.

I hope you are all staying safe! Until next time.

B.