I know I know, the title sounds morbid. I’m not dying. By other side, I mean remission, because we did it. I am still in remission and have been for a whole year now.
It’s been a long time since I have written in this blog. I think a part of it was exhaustion because life just keeps trucking along (and it was super busy) and another part of it was being unsure how to share more about my journey. My vision for this blog has been ever changing throughout my journey. I don’t think I entirely knew how to hold onto all of my feelings while also trying to just get better and still be a functioning human. I initially wanted to share my journey so that anyone going through it as well could be reminded that they were not alone. And in the beginning I had a lot of content I could write because my disease was so active and my treatments were constantly changing. And then I started the clinical trial and things started to slow down and I seemed to be more responsive. So then I didn’t have as many facts and figures to write about.
Thinking back now, I don’t think I was ready to be more vulnerable with myself on this blog. I was just tired.
But funny enough, what’s inspired my desire to come back on here has been reflecting on my journey with my dog. You read that right, my dog.
Back in November my dog was meant to get a minor surgery to remove a fatty lump, but because of his age we agreed to do a blood panel beforehand to just make sure he is healthy. He has insurance and they agreed to cover these costs, so why not? Just before his surgery I had noticed some changes in his behavior and asked to bump up the bloodwork because I’m neurotic and wanted to know right away if he was okay. Sure enough the vet called me back right away to let me know that my sweet little boy has diabetes and that’s why he was acting like he was. I sobbed. As someone who has struggled through chronic illnesses, I thought of all the ways it affected me and how my life had changed and had taken so many pivots because of it. I was so worried that his quality of life would decrease and he would be miserable. I was so worried about him needing to be on insulin twice a day for the rest of his foreseeable life. I was devastated when I found out he will most likely go blind in a year due to cataracts, if he doesn’t qualify for surgery.
Do you know what my dog did? Nothing. He just carried on like life hadn’t changed that much. I mean he isn’t a fan of going to the vet every two weeks, but he has adjusted to that. He knows he gets treats and scratches for being a good boy and that after the visit we go to the pet store. I was so nervous about his needles and the only thing he cared about was getting the treat in front of him or me going faster so that he could get on with his day (he has become more sassy and vocal). He does need to pee more right now, but to him all it is, is a matter of asking me to let him out and then he goes. When he’s having an off day, he comes to me for extra cuddles and we cuddle together. But overall he is still the same sassy, neurotic, silly boy.
And it made me reflect on my journey. I think when I started this journey all I could think about was the permanency of it all. Life long. And with that came the feelings of anger, grief, injustice, and all other sorts of complicated emotions. And I fought with myself for so long. I punished myself for feeling the way I did and for not doing what everyone else could. How dare I? How dare my body?
But now (being on the other side) I’m coming to terms with the idea that shit happens. Life is complicated and not easy and has low lows, but also has high highs when I let it. I have to remind myself that I don’t get to control everything, in fact there is very little I can control. So why fight it? Why not just do the best I can with what I do have a say in? And I’m reminding myself that my feelings are valid, but I don’t have to unpack them right this second. I’m allowed to feel sad, frustrated, angry, exhausted, etc. because there are real reasons why those feelings are there. I can name them and recognize that they need something, but I don’t have to sit in them and unpack it, especially when I don’t have capacity to. I can come back to it when I’m ready and things don’t feel as intense.
I’m also learning through my dog, through working with others with chronic illness, and through myself to slow the fuck down. I think I’ve written about this many times, because obviously it’s a life lesson I need a constant reminder of. I think I have always had the “onto the next” approach with life. I was always thinking about the next thing, my next goal, what the next day would be like. Are we surprised I got diagnosed with anxiety? No. But with this mindset, I don’t think I often just allowed myself to feel the moment. I think that’s why I loved competitive dance so much. When I was young, I had never felt more in the moment with myself than I did when I was on the stage dancing for the next 2-3 minutes. It was so exhilarating and honestly freeing (which younger me should have taken as a sign….). But what I knew best was how to keep pushing forward because eventually there would be obstacles, there always seemed to be. I don’t know what goal I was chasing or what end point I thought I would get to, but I pushed.
And with my ulcerative colitis I did push myself. I worked full time, I completed my masters, I got married, I travelled, I started new ventures, I became a registered psychologist. But during that I kept hitting this wall where my body couldn’t do it, but I didn’t want to “concede”.
And then finally my mental health struggled the last year and a half and I couldn’t push. I physically and mentally pushed too far. I had to change what I was doing.
Slow down.
I am now learning how to better listen to my body when too much is too much. I nap when I need to and don’t chastise myself, I cancel plans if it’s too much on my body (I sometimes feel guilty but remind myself that it’s okay to need rest), I try to prioritize better, and I ask for help when I need it (which is still sometimes hard).
Before I got sick I was in this black and white mindset. It either is or it isn’t. Everything to me felt like now or never. And then I got sick and I had days where hour to hour I just didn’t know what to expect. I would be fine and then not. And this was really hard because it forced me to slow down. It forced me to sit with myself a lot more closely so I could learn how to advocate better for what my body needed. And everything in this journey felt so agonizingly slow. Maybe that’s why when I heard remission, it wasn’t this big moment, because slowly I was feeling better, so by the time I heard it I think I already came to terms with things feeling different in a good way. But even remission is complicated. I still have days that feel like a mini flare or still have days where my mental fog and fatigue mean that my day is now written off- and I’m coming to terms with this being okay. Not every day gets to be a productive good day, we ALL need off days, weeks, or sometimes even months.
So why am I writing this? For anyone who needs to hear it and for future me. Because I may encounter another bump in my journey and may flare up again, so I want to remind myself of this:
Shit happens. Things suck, but look at how far you have come. This moment and feeling does not take away everything you have done up until this point. Some choices are permanent, but many are not. Take a breath and remember that just because this moment feels like forever, doesn’t mean that it really is. Things can change or pivot. They just sometimes need time, help, or patience (and this might really suck, but it can be different, just hold on). And remember the small things. Enjoy the little moments that you can when things feel hard and hold onto those moments. And by whatever odds, you’ve gotten this far. Maybe you don’t know why or for what purpose, but you have and that’s a gift not everyone gets. You did it before and you can do it again. You got it. And when you don’t- ask for help. You don’t have to do it alone.
I’m sure future me won’t entirely believe the message above in the moment because why wouldn’t I argue with myself…. but I hope it reminds me and anyone else to take a breath and slow down.
Now I’m off to cuddle my dog because I feel like I got into my feels a little more than anticipated.
Take care friends.
Bee.
shitsandgiggleswithb.com 