My friends, I can’t even begin to explain what a whirl wind the last few months have been. I had felt so good with the start of 2020 and just feeling like “yes, this is MY year”. Nah, bish- this apparently is no one’s year.
First of all my motivation to get back to this has been really hard. I’ve been struggling a bit with my mental health, which I will talk about later on, but I am happy to be back on here. I’m sorry I was gone for so long.
Let’s see. The last time I posted was around my diagnosis anniversary and after that time I had booked a trip to Portugal with my family. We were so excited to go. My parents are both from Portugal and they haven’t been back in nearly 40 years, which is so crazy to me. While everything going on has made us question if we can go, for now we are just keeping our fingers crossed because it’s not until August. If not, I guess we will just postpone our trip for next summer.
I also got to see my BFF who has been living in England for over a year now and meet her boyfriend. It was such a happy time. We went to the mountains, out to eat, played at an arcade. It’s amazing the little things you end up missing the most. It was so sad to see her leave, but ultimately I’m glad they went back when they did and that they’re safe. I also celebrated a birthday and am now officially 26. I am closer to 30 and it’s a little wild to think about. Am I really adult enough? People are having kids now and this is NORMAL. What is happening.
I have been so busy with school since the new year started. I was in the thick of my online class, was working 4 days a week, and was at my practicum 4 days a week. 10 hour days were quickly catching up to me, to the point that I only had the energy for whatever my priorities were. So this pretty little blog took a back seat. But things were going so well. I was really starting to feel confident with how things had been panning out and who I was becoming as a counsellor. It’s such a rewarding feeling to see your passion come to life and to just genuinely feel proud of what you do. About a month ago we were at our in person intensive where we review one counselling video with our professor and classmates to receive feedback. We started on a Thursday with the expectation that everything was business as usual, to then by Sunday being told that this was it. Practicums were done and we were all being pulled out of our sites. Just like that, it’s over. One part of me feels a sense of relief that I don’t have this stress looming over me, but another part is crushed because I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my youth I was working with.
While all of that was going on I had also just recieved the news that all schools were closing. Y’all I had woken up from my nap on a Sunday with 23 missed messages and a million e-mails. I was so confused. Just like that, school was done and we were expected to still go in and work on closing the school down as if we weren’t coming in until September. This was an unreal experience you guys. I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. We came into school Monday with no kids filling the hallways with their chatter and laughter, no bustle of parents ushering their kids to their cubbies, or even just the simple smell of coffee in the morning. Instead our day was filled with taking apart the classroom, anxiously watching our Prime Minister addressing the country, and all of us left wondering what would happen next. I was filled with so much sadness. I didn’t get to say goodbye to a single student.
But now here we are, attempting to teach kids through computers and trying to make sense of everything as everyone else is. I’m lucky to still for now have a job and be working from home, but still. You can go a little crazy just hanging out at home ALL of the time. Just me and the dogs during the day, since my boyfriend still works. Yesterday I resorted to singing to them like a f*cking Disney princess because I just wanted them to play with me but all they wanted to do was nap…. What is happening.
Honestly, I don’t know about any of you, but it is a day by day process for me. My bowels have been okay. Somedays I suffer if I fall off my routine. So for all you people out there who don’t need to follow a routine, f-you. I stayed up till 2 am one day and my body made me PAY the next day. Have not done it since. I try to avoid going out as much as possible. Grocery stores used to be my weekly escape, but the last time I went I was just so overcome with anxiety that I don’t think I’ll be going back for awhile. I wore a mask and the grocery stores treat their aisles as one ways, with arrows showing you which way to go. I mean, they are pretty big god damn arrows, but yet people STILL seem to ignore them or “not see them”. Bullshit Karen, you’re not blind. Well maybe you are, but you made eye contact with us when we pointed it out to you, so I wanna go on a wild guess and say you’re not.
But I’m supposed to have my yearly colonoscopy at the end of the month. I REALLY hope that I still can do it, but I don’t find out until just before. So far it is still on. I don’t think I’m in remission, but I would like to at least see if things have improved since a year ago. You want to know that what you’re putting in your body is actually doing it’s job. So I will keep you posted on that one. I don’t look forward to the prep and that I can’t go out for my post colonoscopy brunch, but it is what it is.
But that’s where I am at now. At home, going a little crazy, still mostly stable, just waiting for this to pass. I know people out there are advocating that this is just like a common cold or the flu, but I’m not risking it. It’s a bit surreal to see worldwide how many people have died in one chunk of time. It’s a bit surreal to see the impact not distancing yourself has on our health system. To see people have to do FB live funerals or livestream it some how. To see people take their last breaths without loved ones. For parents to have to choose between one another who will stay with their child. For the elderly to suffer tremendously. I choose to stay home to not only protect myself, but to protect others. The elderly, my parents so they don’t have to make that choice, my friends, the health professionals, and my community. Believe me, it is DAMN hard. But we have seen this in the past with the plague, polio, the Spanish flu, the first time we got the influenza. And this is at such a global scale. Why risk it in my opinion? The world is going to go into a recession. Not just one country. I’m sure every country in one way or another are feeling this impact their economy. I know there are people in a lot worse situations than me and my heart goes out to them. We are all in this together and however I can help my community, is how I want to help. And right now that seems to be staying home and donating to your local food bank!
But enough about that. If you need me I will be curled in my PJs taking the day off mentally. Hope you are all staying safe out there!