Personal

I Miss My Old Life

So my next post was going to be on my treatment plan but I’ve had a crappy day for flare ups and have just been down.

Life changed too freaking fast. Last June I was frolicking around Europe for 5 weeks with not a care in the world (not entirely true given all the bomb threats and warnings over there) but I was happy and not worried. I was healthy and could walk for 9 hours straight and be ready for the next day (with some minor complaints) Now I teach my toddler class for an hour and I’m out of breath and sweating…..

I had the opportunity to travel around England, Scotland, Amsterdam, Belgium, and Switzerland. And it was great. It was everything I could have hoped for and more. Then when I came home I got a new job, then decided I didn’t like that one and got a different new job, I was applying for graduate school, getting ready for Halloween (it’s my second favorite holiday) and life was good! All I recall is being a bit stressed out and going through really bad spells of tension headaches which I saw my doctor for in September. I even recall him asking me if everything else was okay? And I said “yup, feel great”.

I swear I cursed myself. Two weeks later I got called back in because my thyroid was acting up so I had to redo some tests and my iron was low so he wanted to redo that test too. At the same time my bowels started changing on me. But it’s poop! No one usually runs to the clinic when they have diarrhea or a little bit or mucus, at least I didn’t. It literally feels like a month was all it took to go from good to not so much.

I mean maybe I had it before but couldn’t tell because the symptoms weren’t as in my face but it only took a month for me to get really sick.

Can I press rewind? Can I go back to when my mission was to eat one thing at at McDonalds in every country I visited (which everyone was better then here ps. England and Scotland have full chicken fingers, Amsterdam had the best chicken nuggets and wraps, Belgium loves mayo so I was basically at home there, Paris had amazing fries, and Switzerland had popcorn shrimp!) Instead no junk food, no caffeine, no mayo (I still sneak it in small doses), and no chocolate cause it has caffeine in it usually.

Boo.

I never used to even crave chocolate much and now that I can’t have it my body is like “feed me all the chocolate human.”

But caffeine is the worst. Last post I mentioned this but I’m actually pretty sure I’m addicted. In my third year of university I was at school from 8-5:30 then worked or had my volunteer training from 6-9. I would still have to come home, do homework, readings, write papers, and study after. So I was usually dead tired the next day. Apparently my solution was coffee. There was a time where I drank maybe half of a medium coffee, but around then I was drinking usually close to 6 cups a day. At one point I started to question how healthy this was so I thought cutting cold turkey was the best solution to detox myself. Biggest mistake. I got the shakes, dry mouth, and actually got migraines because I wasn’t having a coffee! So now I have at least one cup to avoid the head ache.

But now I’m in a crisis! I mean it’s not really one, I’m being dramatic but it wasn’t a worry before this all happened ! I’ve been avoiding caffeine because I get the worst poop attacks, but as a result I’m getting bad headaches and when I got migraines I took an Aspirin or Advil liquid gel with diet Pepsi, which works like a charm ftw. But colitis is very against anything but Tylenol so I can’t do that anymore. And I’m sure you’re thinking just take Tylenol Extra Strength you’ll be fine, but it doesn’t work anymore. I used to take it for my time of the month way back when I was puking and getting the spins from being so faint that I think I became somewhat immune to it. So now I’ve been nursing this head ache since yesterday, grumpy because no coffee, and then tried having 7 spoonfuls of mint chocolate chip ice cream to treat myself and paid for it an hour later.

Again, take me back please.

I miss not worrying. I miss eating and drinking whatever. I miss going a full work day and still having energy to accomplish things. I miss getting sick or feeling icky and taking whatever drugs I needed to. I miss having regular bowel movements not ones that make you cry, I miss being able to go grocery shopping and not having to frantically put down  your basket as you run for a washroom, I miss feeling good all day, not this roller coaster where I start good, feel pukey, then better, then sickly sore, ect. I miss being me. Now I have to report all my symptoms to my worried mother, I have to read up on natural cures for migraines, I need to start preparing making lunches because it’s no longer acceptable to just pick something up when I’m running late, I need to talk myself to get up and be a functioning part of society every God damn morning because I just feel so weak and tired that it’s so much easier to just say no to participating in life. I know these are really all trivial things but when you got used to doing something one way for so long and now have to be forced to change all while they’re trying to figure out how to help you because no treatment plan in the beginning is guaranteed to work the first time around, it sucks.

I will get through this and I will be strong, but we can all have bad days too. I just need to give myself a little head nod and keep pushing forward.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some face masks and have a bubble bath while I finish up some more graduate school applications. I really need to work on my stress levels according to my doctor and mother of course, so self pampering is good right? I get fun samples of face stuff from my monthly beauty subscriptions so maybe I’ll give some of them a try and watch some Batman after. What does everyone else do to relax ?

But I’m going to try and sleep. Key word is try. All day I feel so sleepy and once took a nap at work during my break but then I get to bed, and I’m wide awake…..

Goodnight!

Xoxo

Bee.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s